Your Thanksgiving guide to football

Rachel Fleagle, Staff Writer

The game of football – really, it’s an art – is not one that the average bystander can understand. To most, it may appear like sweaty men wearing biker helmets tackling one another to catch a ball that isn’t even shaped correctly.

To most.

Thankfully, experts in the field have rigorously studied the game, ran the numbers, and helped us understand it.

It’s best to consider some general football terms and plays.

There are only three types of football players.

First is the quarterback. He’s the thrifty guy, the one who always finds the best deals, who listens to Nickelback because it sounds cost-effective. These financial skills make him a beast on the field when he runs nickels and dimes to the rest of the team. No opponent will get past him!

Next is the halfback, affectionately known as Bi-Bi. He’s the slacker of the team, never putting forth full effort. Expect him to be your defense because he is willing to stand still and do nothing.

Finally is your touchback, the gentle giant. If you need a hug, he’s your guy and will lead the team in group bonding activities. He’s the reason everyone remembers to wear the same uniform to games.

When a football game begins, two large hammock posts are set at either end of a 100-yard field of fake grass, known to be the most aesthetically pleasing flooring option.

The touchbacks lead teammates in an extended group hug before the two quarterbacks take a coveted coin onto the playing field.

Guide to Football
by Kzenon

To determine which team is the best to start, they throw a coin in the air and scream at it.

Someone throws the football while looking upside down through their legs – and the action begins.

From here on out, it’s difficult to determine what happens next.

Bombs may explode. Players flick fleas on one another. Some may start an illegal bootlegging operation and wind up on a chain gang.

Meanwhile, matadors dressed like zebras run up and down the field with miniature muletas in case someone throws a faux pas.

When someone gets a ball between one of the giant hammock posts, they win several points based on how far away they were from the line of scrimmage, where the quarterback is waiting.

The game is also a riddle of time for mathematicians, where calculating the length of one football hour is an unsolvable equation involving the last digit of pi.

The first team to extend the hour as long as possible and win the most points is crowned champion.

As complicated as this already sounds, the real kicker comes when the kicker comes. The kicker, dressed in khakis and slippers, kicks the ball into the bushes, saving the team from playing for 2 or 3 minutes.

Truly excellent players win the Heinzman, an award sponsored by the man who created ketchup. The award comes in 57 varieties.